McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Client Feedback On the Creation of the Earth.

This is so good.

Hi God,

Thanks so much for the latest round of work. Really coming together. Few points of feedback:

1 – Really liking the whole light thing but not totally sure about the naming system. “Day” and “night” are OK but we feel like there’s more we can do here. Thoughts? Definitely need to nail this down ASAP.

via McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Client Feedback On the Creation of the Earth..

I’m straight and married, but this still cracks me up

Salon.com had a pretty funny article about how straight women are ruining gay sex. I like a good laugh, and appreciate this quite a bit.

Women have what men want, and this sets up a classic seller’s market: huge demand and a tight supply. The twist is that the suppliers want to give it away, too, but they can’t because the market is regulated by outside forces — religion, society and empty ring fingers. So even though it’s a seller’s market, the sellers aren’t happy.

Sex between men, however, is the classic example of what happens when supply meets demand: Everybody’s happy.

Read it here.

The Beerbelly – sneaking beer into places where you shouldn’t

Are you frickin’ kidding me? This is the most amazing summation of both what is right in the world, and what is wrong with it, in perfect tandem.

beer belly

The idea is this, it’s a liquid bladder, just like a Camelback, but it sits on front of you, hanging around your mid-section, looking like a beer belly. You fill it up with beer or whatever, and sneak it into the game. No glass, no bottles, no nothing but a beer belly… or, a belly full of beer.

They claim it’s the perfect antidote to the high prices sports stadiums charge for beer, and that this can carry over a full six-pack (80 oz).

I can’t really imagine using it, but I’m sure if I had one, I would. And you bet your sweet ass I’d use this if I was still in college… Probably use it during classes in fact.

Amazing.

The Beer Belly

This real big veiny triumphant bastard.

There are times in my life when I’m ashamed of myself. And there are times when I’m ashamed, but am laughing too hard to care… This is one of the latter times.

He finds this Ghostbusters-Lunchbox-Dick-Treasure-Chest, and he flips out.

Superbad is gonna be awesome. I don’t even know that much about it and I am totally sold on this movie.

Now, I realize that I’m going double on the dick/masturbation videos today, but that’s just the kind of morning I’m having.

How many 5-year olds could you take in a fight?

A few years ago I stumbled upon this little bit of magic. Funnies thing I’ve ever read. However, as the thread has gone on, it’s gotten too long to contribute to anymore, and I wanted a record of my friends’ responses. So, let’s do our wagering here.

The question: How many 5 year-olds could you take on at once?

The specifics:

– You are in an enclosed area, roughly the size of a basketball court. There are no foreign objects.
– You are not allowed to touch a wall.
– When you are knocked unconscious, you lose. When they are all knocked unconscious, they lose. Once a kid is knocked unconscious, that kid is “out.”
– I (or someone else intent on seeing to it you fail) get to choose the kids from a pool that is twice the size of your magic number. The pool will be 50/50 in terms of gender and will have no discernable abnormalities in terms of demographics, other than they are all healthy Americans.
– The kids receive one day of training from hand-to-hand combat experts who will train them specifically to team up to take down one adult. You will receive one hour of “counter-tactics” training.
– There is no protective padding for any combatant other than the standard-issue cup.
* The kids are motivated enough to not get scared, regardless of the bloodshed. Even the very last one will give it his/her best to take you down.

When I first saw this a few years ago, my niece was 5 years old, and it really messed with me to think about. I got over that by just becoming cold and calloused. For the purpose of this exercise, let’s all assume they’re zombies, no longer human. Other than that though, they’re completely normal, being zombies has not changed them in any other way except to remove their humanity. If they’re zombies, I’d have a much better chance going out swinging.

I know a lot of you will scoff, but I’m going with 38. Trust me when I tell you I’ve thought about this a lot. A lot.

How many can you take on?

BTW, this was also spawned by a recent trip to the St. John’s Pro Wrestling, where I saw a very angry midget come off the top rope, then helicopter a full sized man. Fantastic.

The way eCards should be – somEEcards

someecards.com, when you care enough to hit send.

Damn, I’m currently in love with this site. It has a bunch of completely inappropriate stuff that is exactly what’s funny these days. Of course you want to send someone an ecard, but you don’t really want to send them some tacky crap that your grandma would send, so what do you do? You send an SOMEECARD…

Here are a few of my favorites.
SomeeCards
Congratulations on your new baby if it was intentional.

SomeeCards
The past month has been the best long-term relationship of my life.

SomeeCards
I’m glad we stay mildly interested in each other’s lives.

SomeeCards
If we were in prison, I’d help you not get raped.

SomeeCards
I’m intimidated by your history with black guys.

21st birthdays are a gift to be hated

Man o Man. I remember my 21st birthday. I was working with a bunch of raging alcoholics at a Red Robin in college, and everyone I knew gathered to celebrate my impending entrance to manhood. Or at least, legally drinking. However, I can’t imagine being a cute young girl and working at a freakish design house in Portland when I turned 21.

Here is the video, straight from the horses mouth.

http://www.pampelmoose.com/mspeaks/?p=646

It isn’t available on YouTube, so you’ll have to click through to watch, but it’s awesome. I wish I could have been there.

Kari's 21st Birthday at Nemo

Grandparents using drugs, a growing trend; Story at 11

CTV.ca, a Canadian news site is reporting about an emerging trend of older adults using prescribed and/or illegal drugs. The quote of the story is from Mavis Becker, a 64-year-old woman who says,

“I do have a habit of getting on the hyper side. And I find if I go out on my balcony and smoke a doobie, I feel way more relaxed and I don’t get too excited about it,” she says.

“I hope my grandchildren will be willing to roll a doobie for me if my arthritis gets too bad,” says Becker.

My first thoughts are obviously of Little Miss Sunshine, where grandpa does a little hard-core narcotic to help wind down. I personally don’t see anything wrong with it, as many of the people they describe are lonely and suffering from aging bodies that don’t work like they used to. I’ve got to get my wife’s parents to have some. I just can’t imagine passing a joint back and forth between them, eating brownies and just chilling out for once. But it might make for the best Christmas ever.