How many 5-year olds could you take in a fight?

A few years ago I stumbled upon this little bit of magic. Funnies thing I’ve ever read. However, as the thread has gone on, it’s gotten too long to contribute to anymore, and I wanted a record of my friends’ responses. So, let’s do our wagering here.

The question: How many 5 year-olds could you take on at once?

The specifics:

– You are in an enclosed area, roughly the size of a basketball court. There are no foreign objects.
– You are not allowed to touch a wall.
– When you are knocked unconscious, you lose. When they are all knocked unconscious, they lose. Once a kid is knocked unconscious, that kid is “out.”
– I (or someone else intent on seeing to it you fail) get to choose the kids from a pool that is twice the size of your magic number. The pool will be 50/50 in terms of gender and will have no discernable abnormalities in terms of demographics, other than they are all healthy Americans.
– The kids receive one day of training from hand-to-hand combat experts who will train them specifically to team up to take down one adult. You will receive one hour of “counter-tactics” training.
– There is no protective padding for any combatant other than the standard-issue cup.
* The kids are motivated enough to not get scared, regardless of the bloodshed. Even the very last one will give it his/her best to take you down.

When I first saw this a few years ago, my niece was 5 years old, and it really messed with me to think about. I got over that by just becoming cold and calloused. For the purpose of this exercise, let’s all assume they’re zombies, no longer human. Other than that though, they’re completely normal, being zombies has not changed them in any other way except to remove their humanity. If they’re zombies, I’d have a much better chance going out swinging.

I know a lot of you will scoff, but I’m going with 38. Trust me when I tell you I’ve thought about this a lot. A lot.

How many can you take on?

BTW, this was also spawned by a recent trip to the St. John’s Pro Wrestling, where I saw a very angry midget come off the top rope, then helicopter a full sized man. Fantastic.

9 thoughts on “How many 5-year olds could you take in a fight?”

  1. around 15.
    the biting would stack up and the mental exhaustion would be killer. as far as your answer of 38, c’mon. dude, you’d be winded just counting to 38.

  2. There’s no doubt that I’d be winded, incredibly winded. However, it’s all about elbows and headbutts. I’m pretty sure I could take out half of them in one shot each. And remember, kids have glass jaws.


  3. You want a five year old? I can get you a five year old, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don’t wanna know about it, believe me.

    Hell, I can get you a five year old by 3 o’clock this afternoon… with nail polish. These amateurs…

  4. Well I’d say about… 30.
    My strategy would be to take down the lighest kid with the largest head. Then grab by the ankles and use as a swinging battering weapon to smash the rest of em in the room.
    I’d be pretty exhausted by 30. Yeah 30. Adrenaline goes a long way…

  5. 5 year olds are Pussy’s. Make it an even hundo for me. I would start and take down the biggest one (like Brad Pitt in Troy) and strike the fear of God into each one of those little fuckers!!!

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